"I realized that God had been quietly waiting for me the whole time..."

Have you ever looked at something someone else had with a feeling of envy and thought, “I wish I had that”? As I make this statement, some things that might come to mind are: material items, physical appearance, expensive homes or even money. At age 9, these were not things that I longed for. My heart ached for purity. It was at that time, I would learn that the kind of love that I had been receiving from my father, was not the kind of love that my heavenly father had intended between an earthly father and daughter.

What I felt on the inside, I could only hope would never become evident on the outside. I worked to push down the feelings of overwhelming guilt and go about life, however, the weight of the past would slowly creep back up like a film playing in my head. The stronghold this had on my life throughout adolescence and beyond is difficult, almost impossible for me to describe. Mark 11:25 reads,“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you of your sins.” I spoke those words of forgiveness and yet, I found no freedom or healing to move beyond the past.

The Lord blessed my life with Brad & in 1994, we were married. Two years later, our first son Matthew was born, and the heaviness of the past began to find its way back. Continuing to push these memories back down, were no longer effective.

As a child, I accepted Christ, recited all of the traditional prayers I had been taught and attended church every Sunday, but as I grew older, I still had yet to grasp what it meant to allow myself to actually be in a personal relationship with him. Carrying around the heaviness of my past made my pursuit to change this relationship pretty half hearted.

One evening, Brad and I decided to take in the movie, “Good Will Hunting.” It is a story of a mathematical genius named Will with an abuse filled past. During the movie, he is referred to a therapist who is able to slowly build a friendship with Will. When Will finally feels safe to confront the demons of his past and share what happened, the therapist’s reply was, “What happened back then Will,…it wasn’t your fault.” He said it again. “Will,…..It’s not your fault,” This grown man almost appeared childlike as he finally gave in and surrendered all that he had pushed down for so many years and began to cry, slowly allowing himself to release at least some of his pain from the past.
Some might experience their invitation to come to God in church, or on retreat……. Mine was during a movie. As my own tears flowed, I felt like God was clearly speaking to me saying “Angie, what happened…it wasn’t your fault.”

I realized that God had been quietly waiting for me the whole time to finally release all of my pain and guilt over to him to now carry and it was such a relief to give it to him. I felt my heavenly father’s embrace in that moment and my heart felt pure and safe again. This was something I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

Following this, I went through many seasons where God’s presence was felt so strongly and other times, he felt very far away. As our family continued to grow with the addition of Julia and then Blake, this increased my desire to learn to become more dependent upon God and teach our children how to be in relationship with him. However, I did not feel the least bit equipped. My time with God still seemed very distant and formal. I had a bible that had rarely been opened and the tradition in my church of receiving communion was a beautiful gift that I took for granted.

I began attending a bible study where I was able to build close friendships with many women who had an incredible love for the Lord. It was a comfortable setting that allowed me to learn how to navigate around my bible, ask questions, and read about the truth of God’s promises on parenting, faith, obedience, love and forgiveness. It was through this study, that I received an invitation to Northwood Church. At Northwood, I was pleasantly taken aback by the warm welcome. It didn’t take long for the tears to begin flowing during worship and the message, as I was reminded about what Christ did for me.

I was even more struck that day when Pastor Brian invited each one of us to really meditate on the words of the “The Lord’s Prayer.” It was as though I were learning it for the first time, even though I had recited this very prayer every day for the past 35 years. Following this, we then shared the gift of communion. Again, it was as though I was partaking in this spiritual union for the first time. I was overwhelmed by Christ’s love for me. I left the service that day feeling renewed; almost like I had restored an old friendship.

My faith journey continues to be one of slowly shedding memories of my childhood and giving them to God, and trusting in his promises that he will no longer allow my past to dictate my future.

Psalm 27:1 tells us: The Lord is truly my light and my salvation---Whom shall I fear? Instead of holding on to guilt and anger, I now choose to cling to the Lord as the new stronghold in my life.